Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Pet

By J Gardener

The death of a pet can be a traumatic experience for the whole family.  For a young child, it can also be confusing-it's often the first time a child must deal with such loss.  In many cases, the pet has been with the family since before the child's birth, so he or she has grown up with the pet as a real part of the family.  Children tend to relate to pets as playmates, so the loss, to a child, is often the loss of a best friend.

But while it's a sad time in a family's life, it can also be an opportunity for learning, in ways that will help a child cope with life's future stresses.

As parents, we naturally want to shield our children from pain and grief, but most experts agree that masking the reality of what's happening can only add to a child's confusion.  We need to be honest and shouldn't avoid using words like "death" and "dying", even though very young children may not be able to grasp their finality.  Phrases like "put to sleep", on the other hand, can connect harmful connotations to normal activities; if a child thinks that sleep is something from which he may not recover, he could develop an unnecessary phobia of going to bed.

If a pet's decline is due to age or illness, and euthanasia is recommended by your veteranarian, it can be helpful to include your child in the decision-making process.  Explain the stiuation honestly:  "Spot is in a lot of pain, and the doctor can't make him better.  We don't want him to suffer, and we can help him die in peace."

Your vet has experience in explaining the problems of illness and the process of euthanasia to children, and most vets are happy to help you answer your child's questions.  As well, if your pet has suffered traumatic injury, your vet is the best resource to explain the reasons for death.

Encourage your child to express his feelings.  It may not happen with words-your child may not yet possess the nuance of vocabulary necessary to properly convey such feelings.  He may find it easier to draw a picture of his life now, without his friend.

Express your own feelings, as well.  Tell your child how sad the loss of Spot makes you feel.  Hiding your pain may make your child wonder if you'd miss him, if he were gone.

A number of resources are available on the internet for dealing with pet loss-Amazon.com lists many books written specifically for parents to help guide their children through the processes of loss and grief.

One important piece of advice many experts offer:  Don't rush out to replace your cherished pet, in the hopes of quickly alleviating your child's pain.  Allow the process of grief and recovery to run its course.  Your child may not be ready to give a new pet the same love and attention he devoted to Spot.  And, again, you don't want to teach him that lost loved ones can be instantly replaced.  That can add to his own insecurity, regarding his place in your family.

Grieving is a natural part of life, and so is recovery. Sharing these processes as a family can help teach your child important life lessons, as well as provide the extra attention your child often needs, during this time.

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